The Cake Lady Speaks: “I Don’t Have a Filter” Is Not a Free Pass
I recently heard someone say, “I don’t have a filter, so whatever comes out, comes out.”
And I paused.
That statement often gets called honesty.
It gets called boldness.
Sometimes it even gets called authenticity.
But to me, it sounds like permission without responsibility.
Some people say whatever comes to mind and label it being “real,” when in truth, it’s often an excuse to be careless with other people’s hearts. Words don’t just fall out of our mouths by accident. They come from somewhere. And when they consistently land as sharp, dismissive, or disrespectful, it’s time to stop excusing it and start examining it.
For a long time, I wasn’t on the speaking end of that problem.
I was on the receiving end.
A Mouth With No Filter Still Has a Choice
We all have mouths.
But not all of us use wisdom.
When someone says, “That’s just how I am,” what they’re often saying is, “I don’t feel like being accountable.” Over time, saying whatever you want—unchecked—becomes a habit. So familiar that you don’t even realize you’re doing it anymore.
But just because something is habitual doesn’t mean it’s harmless.
“You Know How I Am” Isn’t the Defense You Think It Is
Another phrase I hear often is:
“You know how I am.”
And yes—most people around you do know how you are.
But here’s the part that often goes unspoken:
They don’t always like it.
They’ve just learned how to live with it.
Familiarity doesn’t equal acceptance. Sometimes it simply means people have adjusted. They’ve lowered expectations. They’ve stopped giving feedback—not because it doesn’t matter, but because speaking up feels costly.
Silence from others is not proof that your words landed well. Sometimes it’s simply proof that people chose peace over honesty.
“I’m Just Like My Mother” Isn’t a Pass Either
I hear this one too:
“I’m just like my mother.”
“I’m just like my father.”
Sometimes it’s said proudly.
Sometimes jokingly.
Sometimes as a warning.
And I want to say this gently and clearly:
Honoring where you come from does not mean repeating everything that came from there.
Yes, patterns are learned.
Yes, communication styles are inherited.
Yes, some people grew up in environments where words were sharp, fast, and unfiltered.
But maturity gives us the ability to choose what we carry forward—and what we outgrow.
Saying “that’s how they were” explains behavior, but it doesn’t excuse it. Growth isn’t betrayal. It’s discernment.
Silence Isn’t Strength—It’s a Wound Waiting to Heal
I used to allow people to say whatever they wanted to say to me.
I’d hear the slick comments.
The subtle jabs.
The dismissive tones.
And I’d walk away quietly—harboring it all inside. I didn’t argue. I didn’t clap back. I didn’t correct. I just absorbed it. And every time I did, it left a small wound on my soul.
For a long time, I told myself that was humility.
It wasn’t.
Eventually, silence stopped feeling peaceful—and started feeling expensive.
Silence cost me more than it ever protected me.
It cost me peace, because unspoken moments don’t disappear—they replay.
It cost me clarity, because I carried conversations long after they ended.
It cost me self-trust, because each time I didn’t speak, I questioned why I stayed quiet when I knew better.
It cost me time—time I wasted spinning conversations around in my head, replaying them, and feeling broken by something that was never addressed.
And in that replay, I diminished myself even further—creating stories about what the other person might have thought or felt about me, when in reality, those stories didn’t matter at all.
And over time, it cost me my voice.
Not all at once—but quietly.
Correction Doesn’t Have to Be Disrespectful
Here’s what I’ve learned:
Correcting someone does not require crossing the disrespect line.
You don’t have to yell.
You don’t have to embarrass.
You don’t have to wound back.
Sometimes correction is as simple as a pause and a calm response.
Sometimes it’s reminding someone of who they are.
Sometimes it’s reminding them of who they used to be.
Wisdom teaches us when to speak, how to speak, and when silence is no longer required.
But wisdom doesn’t always show up in quiet, controlled moments.
Sometimes it shows up in real time—messy and unexpected.
When the Correction Happens in Real Time
There are moments when you respond right where something lands.
Not with cruelty.
Not with intent to embarrass.
But with clarity.
And sometimes, what shocks people isn’t disrespect—it’s resistance. When someone is used to speaking freely without being checked, they aren’t always prepared for a response.
And here’s a hard truth:
Sometimes people who are comfortable dishing it out are not prepared to take it.
Surprise Isn’t the Same as Disrespect
A response can be firm without being cruel.
A boundary can be introduced without an attack.
Sometimes embarrassment doesn’t come from being harmed—it comes from being confronted with yourself in real time.
That doesn’t automatically mean someone was wronged.
Wisdom Is Still Learning
Wisdom doesn’t mean perfection.
It means reflection.
It means reviewing moments honestly—without rewriting the truth.
It means being willing to ask, “Did I miss something?”
Growth asks us not to shrink—but it also asks us to stay teachable.
And If I’m the One Who Crossed the Line
If I ever respond in a way that crosses into rudeness—
If my tone lands harsher than intended—
If I miss something I couldn’t see—
I welcome the conversation.
Not accusations.
Not silence.
Not side discussions.
A direct conversation.
I don’t hide behind “If I offended you.”
I pause. I reflect. I look again.
And if I’m wrong, I will say it plainly:
“You’re right. I owe you an apology.”
“I’m truly sorry for ___.”
And I will name it.
Because real growth shows up in how we repair.
Why Going Directly to the Person Matters
There’s a simple principle I try to live by:
when something feels off between two people, the first conversation belongs between those two people.
Not in side conversations.
Not in group processing.
Not after the story has picked up extra emotion.
Direct conversation protects clarity. It keeps assumptions from taking root and gives both people the dignity of honesty.
When we talk around someone instead of to them, clarity is lost. Emotions can gain momentum without context, and what could have been resolved in one conversation becomes heavier than it ever needed to be.
Directness Is About Care, Not Confrontation
Directness isn’t about being right.
It’s about keeping relationships clean.
It creates space for understanding before judgment and keeps moments from becoming narratives.
For Those Who Are Still Learning to Use Their Voice
If you’re reading this from the side of silence, hear me clearly:
You weren’t weak.
You were surviving.
Using your voice is a muscle. It strengthens with practice. It doesn’t need volume—just honesty, timing, and grounding.
Having a Filter Is Called Maturity
A filter isn’t fake.
It’s discernment.
It’s knowing what to say, when to say it, and when wisdom says wait.
And wisdom never asks us to abandon ourselves just to keep the peace.
I No Longer Carry Other People’s Carelessness
I don’t allow people to unload unfiltered thoughts onto me anymore.
Not because I’m defensive.
Not because I’m offended.
But because I’m aware.
Awareness taught me my peace matters.
Wisdom taught me my response matters.
Healing taught me I don’t have to bleed quietly to be considered kind.
The Cake Lady Speaks
Having “no filter” is not a badge of honor.
It’s an invitation to grow.
And growth looks good on all of us. 🍰✨
Love,
Ellen Moore, The Cake Lady
Author | Life & Engagement Coach | Baking & Culinary Specialist
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About the Author
Ellen Moore is the creative voice behind The Cake Lady Speaks, blending life coaching, faith, and baking into moments that nourish the soul. As a seasoned cake artist, certified coach, and creator of the Find Your True Essence app, Ellen inspires others to grow in self-awareness, speak with intention, and live with purpose. Whether she's frosting a cake or sharing a life lesson, Ellen invites you to discover the strength of your voice and taste the fullness of who you are—one sprinkle at a time.
